When I was little I remember all the grown-ups in my life telling me that growing up is a super exciting time where you get to come into your own, find who you are and what you love to do. Well I have grown up and I am still waiting to come into my own and find out who I am. Go figure. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what my talents are but everything else is, well, a hot mess.
My Mom summed me up REALLY well one night when I was in college. We were sitting at the table and I was telling her how I was stuck on a project that my professor really wanted us to think out of the box on. Her reply was simply "I think for this one you might actually have to get back into the box Stephanie" and it hit me kind of hard. What did she mean? This whole time I have never been in the box and it made so much sense. That is how people saw me. That is now how I saw myself.
I think why I was so looking forward to growing up was because I truly felt like no one understood me. I always made all my friends mad, I was bullied relentlessly by said friends, and I never quite fit into any one group always flitting and flailing around hopelessly trying to cling on to something, anything. Other more horrible things happened to me as well in my teenage years with the opposite sex and it honestly made me feel alien. I was a misfit. I was hoping that it would all magically change when I got much older.
No. No it has not. I still say the wrong things all the time but at least now I have a husband that is willing to guide me in the right direction. People still take advantage of me and prey on me all the time so I am constantly getting my heart broken by those who were supposed to be friends. I still don't get key social queues and mostly have to imitate to try and blend in for everyone else. It is exhausting being me. It never ends well. It is a constant learning process and some things I am pretty sure I just will never be able to learn.
So where do I go from here? This road that I am sick of taking. I honestly don't know and at 31 years old that really honestly scares me.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Let me start off by saying that my life is fulfilling in so many many ways. I have two sweet little (well one little the other slightly plump) cats, a loyal and lovable pup, and an amazing husband that jumps through all of my hoops with me. I have a steady job. I have a wonderful family. The true friends that I do have I wouldn't trade for the world and I cherish them completely.
Amidst all of this wonderful stuff every once in a while I come across a person that is just plain awful and it just blows me away inside. The kind of person that works hard to win your trust. That acts like they are a true friend. That does so many amazing and inspiring things that you feel proud just to be around them but while you are going around talking this person up they are going around and talking you down. Taking what you say and passing it along to people as if they are doing them a favor. Secretly telling people everything and trying to pull information from them to use negatively against you. An unhappy and damaged person inside trying to fill a void by making others look terrible.
I don't understand people like this. I don't understand what motivates them. I don't understand why they think the way that they do. What I do know is that it hurts my heart and it hurts everyone that they touch with what they say and do. No one wins.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
I am pretty sure people by now know that I am super in love with trying new things food wise so when Manayunk (Philadelphia neighborhood) announced that they were having an all day festival involving Philly's finest food trucks I was ALL in!
Each food truck had a mission this week as well, they had a secret ingredient and they had to include that secret ingredient in one dish to serve as a special to all of us today. Since it was Fall, Manayunk chose apples. It was kind of awesome! (Eat THAT Guy Fieri!)
My favorites: Crispy pork belly over creamy polenta from Local 215, freshly made butter biscuits topped with homemade sausage gravy from Philly Food & the Jim Hansen cupcake (vanilla oreo cupcake with cookies & buttercream frosting)! We also enjoyed a VERY tasty vegetarian chicken Bahn Mi from Kung Fu Hoagies, spicy bean and cheese empanadas from Zea May's, and a VERY interesting pork taco with sliced apples and kim chi slaw from Philly Food!
It was a SUPER successful day with lots of amazing eats and lots of new respect for those food truck pioneers that are always thinking of amazing ways to keep us coming back for more!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Getting a little more comfortable with these Chinese watercolors that John bought for me! The best part in learning how to use them is that they basically combine two of my favorite things; Gouache and watercolors. They can lay thick like gouache but can be super thinned out like watercolor. I believe they are actually made to mix with inks but of course I am using them otherwise!
Love them already and the pigments are crazy bright and amazing! Extra bonus was they were super cheap!
Quote of the Day: Never put a sock in a toaster - Eddie Izzard
Sunday, September 2, 2012
It really is.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying to fight against the gravitational pull of the whole universe making everything more complicated then it needs to be for myself and others. Do you ever feel that way or find yourself doing this? I spend so much time trying to fight the inevitable when the answer is so simple: Just go with it!
This is my first watercolor in quite a while, four years to be exact, so be gentle with me! Drawing out my feelings is not only turning out to be super therapeutic but it also is rekindling all of that creative energy that I have been keeping locked up.
What things are therapeutic for you?
X O X O
Quote of the week: Worry, regret and anxiety are all illusions that distract you from the truth: You are OK right now.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Most of us when we do certain things want those things to turn out just the way that we had pictured them and get super disappointed if that doesn't happen. I know that I do! I know that I always have a plan and that plan is always a great plan that must turn out like a TV family special for everything that I do. This goes for planning events, buying things, cooking food, and mostly everything that I...we do, that takes a little thought.
The other night I was cooking some stewed tomatoes to put over some tilapia I had broiled. I pictured that the stewed tomatoes would be a thick glaze that covers right over the slightly golden fish in rich harmony of tomato-ey stewed goodness. I had simple yet grand plans for my meal except I was holiday multitasking away and just plum forgot about the stewed tomatoes a moment to long and they looked a little too rich and slightly too dark. Rats. I am no June Cleaver that is for sure.
Naturally I was upset and my first thought was to just throw this cooking disaster right out and rid myself of my silly stupidity. BUT something, a little something, told me to just try it though. So I scooped up a little on my tasting spoon and tried it with much intended disappointment. Instead of wincing and waling in utter shame my eyes actually lit up really large.
It was actually super delicious and perfectly rich.
I guess my point to this little ditty is that sometimes the little mistakes, the oopsies, and the oh shits of the real world can turn out to be the best moments and things we do in life. This year I intend on making a lot of mistakes. I expect a lot of those mistakes will turn out to be hilarious if not embarrassing but some of them will also be the best mistakes I will ever make.
I hope this for everyone too.
From my family to yours, Happy Holidays and a VERY Happy New Year filled with lots of those amazing little imperfections that life throws at us!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Every once in a while I will stumble upon something from the wide world of internet food blogging sites and it winds up being so amazing I have to share! These little cuties were just oozing with deliciousness and I had to tell their yummy little secret. Besides, I can't be the only one sitting on their couch getting happily plump! How fair would that be?
I adapted the recipe from:http://smittenkitchen.com/2011/10/apple-pie-cookies/. I of course took the liberty of making a few short cuts for us busy types and they still came out something short of an mini-apple pie mouth miracle!
Love me or hate me but I actually got the pre-made pie-crust from the grocery store. It honestly saved me A LOT of time and it worked so fabulously that you won't even miss being Betty Crocker! I used a Whiskey glass to cut out the circles and a smaller metal cookie cutter that I had to cut the apples to fit JUST right in the center! (You can also use a knife/scissors to cut them to shape as well) I cut out all of my circles from the pie crust first! (It makes things go so fast)
3 medium apples, whatever you like to bake with
Squeeze of lemon juice (optional)
1/3 cup (67 grams) granulated sugar
1 teaspoon (2 grams) ground cinnamon
Few gratings fresh nutmeg
A pinch of any other spices you like in your apple pie
I peeled my apples and I cut them in half. You can choose to core and cut but you want to get NICE round pieces so cutting the whole apple going form outside in works best! I used my smaller cookie circle cutter to punch out my apple slices for the cookies.
My mouth was watering handsomely as I mixed mixed my sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a bowl and started dippity dip dipping my happy little apples in this magical concoction.
I laid them in the center of my pastry circles, wet the peeking edges with some water, sealed them with another tasty pastry crust, and then used my fork to give them pretty edges! Don't forget to use a knife to cut slits to vet these little guys or else they might get angry with you when they are baking!
1 large egg
Coarse or granulated sugar for garnish
I slathered these wonderful delights with some egg wash, sprinkled them gingerly with some sugar/cinnamon, and put them in the oven @ 350 and waited until they were all goldenly delicious! (About 20-25 minutes)
Warning: You may eat them all in one sitting!