Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Day 15: The Worst Thing

There are a lot of worst things in life. Some as simple as putting a brussel sprout in your mouth and some much much more complex because they involve the ones that you love the most. My worst thing so far was watching the man that I love more then anything in this world almost leave this world in an ER room this past weekend. It is tough for me to type this... so I am sorry if it gets a little jumbled. This was probably the only moment in my life where I actually preferred the brussel sprouts.

It started out with us having an awesome time watching his brother DJ at a fairly awesome place in Philly. Good music, a few good drinks (one bad drink...Rock and Rye), and quality time with his brother were all that we needed. We drove home super happy that we had this awesome night and were super stoked for a picnic we were having with our friends the next day. Nothing seemed out of the least to me. I am sure it was very different for John.

Things did a complete 180 when we got home. His chest started to really hurt, he couldn't breathe, and he wasn't making any sense with his words. He thought he was having a heart attack and I thought he was having a stroke. My world started to swirl around me in a panicked desperation. I couldn't really understand what he was trying to tell me no matter how hard I listened. I was frustrated. The sad thing was, that he was so sure he was making sense to me in his head but the words that were coming out of his mouth were all jumbled so I couldn't honestly understand didn't matter we got in the car and I literally drove 90 mph and hour to the hospital to get him there on time.

Everything happened so fast. The only thing that I fully remember is walking into the emergency room, looking at his lips turning blue, sweat pouring out of his body, and being told by several doctors to call his family immediately.

This should have been easy but John forgot his phone. I didn't have any of his family members numbers. 411 wasn't helping. I called my parents. I called Jen. It was a mess. I was a mess but Jen was on her way and my Mom finally found his father's apartment number. Everyone was on their way. I was still a mess crying hysterically outside the hospital because I just couldn't understand what happened in such a short amount of time to a super healthy person. It didn't make sense and it wasn't fair. I also didn't know what I would do without him.

Thank karma, god, the universe... whomever you want to thank, I mostly want to thank the kind words, support and concern of every single one of our friends because you all made us smile and keep up hope through everything. Two days in the hospital under some of the best care and John is now home and feeling just fine. Luckily it is something that is curable and most likely will not come back in the future. We really are lucky, we feel really lucky. Mostly, I am lucky that I got to take him back home.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Day 14: Non-Fiction Book

Every human being has little idiosyncrasies in their personality. Little things that make them just a little different then everyone else. All through out my life I have noticed that I too have had these little things that made me stand out from everyone else. The big difference was that, unlike other people, these little things were actually not so little. They were huge setbacks for me in learning how to deal with the world around me. I started to get curious in the recent year about what all of that could mean but it wasn't an easy road in finding the answer.

This was the 4th book in a series of books about Asperger's in women that I had read after a friend, a psychologist, had brought up that I may want to do some research in the direction of AS. I was floored when given the suggestion. I wasn't floored because I didn't think it was a possibility but I was taken aback because that possibility would put me on the Autism spectrum and that wasn't something I could wrap my squishy little brain around. Having worked with several kids with Autism it was hard to put me in the same category because for the most part I believe myself to be an independently functioning person in society. This book was the change around for me.

As Willey talked about herself I began to see myself in all of her own "flaws". From the child that liked to organize and prepare her toys rather then play with them to the adult who didn't feel like she fit into the puzzle that were her friends, it all began to settle in that this was my own missing puzzle piece to the mystery that has been myself for years. I even realized that like most people with AS I had a savant skill, a skill that was uncanny or a "gift". From the time I was about 5 years old I could listen and play music by ear. I can even go as far as teach myself a new instrument without knowing anything about it.

While I am still in the realization part of this new journey into myself I feel like I have become more of myself in the last year then in all 28 years of my life. It is sometimes exciting, sometimes frustrating, but mostly an uphill battle because 28 years of habits and learned cognitive coping strategies are hard to change. I do know that in the next year the me I am right now will be evolving into a better me and that is what keeps me trudging up this darn hill.