When I was little I remember all the grown-ups in my life telling me that growing up is a super exciting time where you get to come into your own, find who you are and what you love to do. Well I have grown up and I am still waiting to come into my own and find out who I am. Go figure. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what my talents are but everything else is, well, a hot mess.
My Mom summed me up REALLY well one night when I was in college. We were sitting at the table and I was telling her how I was stuck on a project that my professor really wanted us to think out of the box on. Her reply was simply "I think for this one you might actually have to get back into the box Stephanie" and it hit me kind of hard. What did she mean? This whole time I have never been in the box and it made so much sense. That is how people saw me. That is now how I saw myself.
I think why I was so looking forward to growing up was because I truly felt like no one understood me. I always made all my friends mad, I was bullied relentlessly by said friends, and I never quite fit into any one group always flitting and flailing around hopelessly trying to cling on to something, anything. Other more horrible things happened to me as well in my teenage years with the opposite sex and it honestly made me feel alien. I was a misfit. I was hoping that it would all magically change when I got much older.
No. No it has not. I still say the wrong things all the time but at least now I have a husband that is willing to guide me in the right direction. People still take advantage of me and prey on me all the time so I am constantly getting my heart broken by those who were supposed to be friends. I still don't get key social queues and mostly have to imitate to try and blend in for everyone else. It is exhausting being me. It never ends well. It is a constant learning process and some things I am pretty sure I just will never be able to learn.
So where do I go from here? This road that I am sick of taking. I honestly don't know and at 31 years old that really honestly scares me.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Let me start off by saying that my life is fulfilling in so many many ways. I have two sweet little (well one little the other slightly plump) cats, a loyal and lovable pup, and an amazing husband that jumps through all of my hoops with me. I have a steady job. I have a wonderful family. The true friends that I do have I wouldn't trade for the world and I cherish them completely.
Amidst all of this wonderful stuff every once in a while I come across a person that is just plain awful and it just blows me away inside. The kind of person that works hard to win your trust. That acts like they are a true friend. That does so many amazing and inspiring things that you feel proud just to be around them but while you are going around talking this person up they are going around and talking you down. Taking what you say and passing it along to people as if they are doing them a favor. Secretly telling people everything and trying to pull information from them to use negatively against you. An unhappy and damaged person inside trying to fill a void by making others look terrible.
I don't understand people like this. I don't understand what motivates them. I don't understand why they think the way that they do. What I do know is that it hurts my heart and it hurts everyone that they touch with what they say and do. No one wins.