When I was little I remember all the grown-ups in my life telling me that growing up is a super exciting time where you get to come into your own, find who you are and what you love to do. Well I have grown up and I am still waiting to come into my own and find out who I am. Go figure. I think I have a pretty good grasp of what my talents are but everything else is, well, a hot mess.
My Mom summed me up REALLY well one night when I was in college. We were sitting at the table and I was telling her how I was stuck on a project that my professor really wanted us to think out of the box on. Her reply was simply "I think for this one you might actually have to get back into the box Stephanie" and it hit me kind of hard. What did she mean? This whole time I have never been in the box and it made so much sense. That is how people saw me. That is now how I saw myself.
I think why I was so looking forward to growing up was because I truly felt like no one understood me. I always made all my friends mad, I was bullied relentlessly by said friends, and I never quite fit into any one group always flitting and flailing around hopelessly trying to cling on to something, anything. Other more horrible things happened to me as well in my teenage years with the opposite sex and it honestly made me feel alien. I was a misfit. I was hoping that it would all magically change when I got much older.
No. No it has not. I still say the wrong things all the time but at least now I have a husband that is willing to guide me in the right direction. People still take advantage of me and prey on me all the time so I am constantly getting my heart broken by those who were supposed to be friends. I still don't get key social queues and mostly have to imitate to try and blend in for everyone else. It is exhausting being me. It never ends well. It is a constant learning process and some things I am pretty sure I just will never be able to learn.
So where do I go from here? This road that I am sick of taking. I honestly don't know and at 31 years old that really honestly scares me.