Day 16: How to Deal... or NOT.

Silly me, I guess I have wandered off the set path of this journal, now didn't I? It is always funny how you start something with a direct purpose and more often then not that purpose is long forgotten as it turns into something else entirely. The artistic process is a tricky funny thing. I suppose we can also call it going with the moment and growing with the project if we want to. I digress...because I am happy with it.

In the last week, while the stress of the weekend before caught up with me, this alarming repetitive pang hit my insides. I was restless, anxiety ridden, and not yet sure what this pang meant but it kept gnawing at me. It kept eating at my insides and making me feel like I wanted to burst into a plethora of emotions...and I did... inappropriately in the back stock room of my job on Saturday after a long hard day of fighting for sales and commission with another co-worker (the term "tag-team" eludes her I am afraid). At that moment I knew what it was telling me: Get out.... GET out... GET OUT!!!

Get out of what? Oh yeah, the job that I was in and doing really well at.

It is no secret that I work at Nordstrom in the hosiery department and for the most part I really think that the company is top notch with co-workers that are of the same caliber. I have honestly learned a lot about myself from working here and I have made some of the most enjoyable friends as text-book as that really sounds. I have also done exceedingly well in a VERY short amount of time. It is challenging to get on top and it is even more challenging to stay on top. That is what I love the most about the job. In saying all that, I have also sacrificed a lot of myself to make certain job goals and it has taken its toll on me little bit by little bit.

When I agreed to move out to Pennsylvania I always knew that I could go home to my family on the weekends if I needed to and because of the nature of my previous jobs as a teacher, I did for the past two years. I am sure by now, you have figured out that my family means a whole heck of a lot to me. When my heart was no longer attached to teaching, I had no where to go and so I signed up for retail until I could figure it out. Ultimately, this has meant the loss of my weekends, my time with my family, and time with John and our friends.

It has been tough but I have done it and well at that but, with recent events, I can't find any good reason to sacrifice that part of myself anymore when that part is more important that anything else I can do in this world. I can admit to myself that my scare with John has left with me permanently worried that my time with people is fleeting and that at any moment they can be taken away from me. We all want more time with those that we love but really I want a healthy life balance. I firmly believe that a healthy balance of the things that make you happy is the most important thing you can do for yourself.

So I guess I stand at a crossroads where there is nothing written on the signs going in every which direction. When I find that balance I know it will be much easier to read those signs and see which way I need to go.